Cindy’s Blog

tomorrow there  will be test..same thing goes for the day after tomorrow..If wan to calculate or keep reminding myself how many tests to go, on day i will find myself broke down and stop to study for tests. How come this time the test appear to be a too much heavy burden for me, come on..it’s just a small test, yet i have start to trigger so much, even tension, sweating, panic all comes in one go. Wake up! All these while try to wake a gal up, seems im too much expert to handle this stress, but in this moment really don’t know how to be practically do whatever i know in handling sress..

Maybe because of having a roomate starting this semester deduct much confortness and mood to study? Or actually in heart think of many other things and worry about the place to stay in the next semester? Or all these are just my excuse to answer all the whys?..do i need a shepard? A guide frm Lord? Why You doesn’t seems to appear to me, feel im lost,,or You didn’t hear what i say? Aren’t You know everything happen to Your children? Am I Your Children? Headache..

where am I?

with confidence and full of energy? No, why i still cant find the heart. where is the heart? em, lost or still stuck, cant come out? weird..the feeling seems very weird. Dont want to think things that are suppose not to be important for me..But why it keep comes out and mess my mind. Sigh..

Have to and must find out the old me..who might appear as a serious and cool person, not friendly at all. whatever, suddenly hate myself that i need to sacrifice something in order to gain other things..Maybe it’s just the natural things, nothing is free in this world, u have to sacrifice before you can taste the sweet of the fruit. I always remind myself on this principle, just sometimes, feel not fair..Why God give different life to different people? In the end, i forgot to tell myself that im one of the lucky person already and maybe just not as lucky as some people..

all the odds come along and what you will have in your mind? Oh no, a bad start and surely will be bad luck for the whole day?

Ya, sometimes it really seems to be the worse day ever, not only a bad day. Jojo from Mix fm share this and i thinks it’s real and i’m sure everyone do experience it before, just the difference in frequency. The mind might control the whole day mood, and you might feel terrible and yucks..and it might seems is there anything worse than this? Ya, that’s the answer or the best working solution to wipe over the black cloud in your head! I did it, em, of course in this world, so big and certainly huge in the Creation of God, i might not know what is happening in the other side of the world every minutes, every second. Eventhough the sophisticated tech did give us a lot of ways and tunnel to get to each other and knowing everything. But did human really think they can know everything happening? No, only God knows and did have everything in mind, 1 go. What’s important is, really, there ARE surely a lots more things that is worsen that what you have gone through. U might look the problem now as BIG, yet u should give more and more chance for you to look into the situation that any other people is facing. Soon, you will find, you are quite more than a lucky guy..Positive thinking of self persuading sometimes work, just don’t hypnotise youself on something that is not working after you had practice it for more than enough. Really, realistic might actually what you should face, not story in the fairy tales.

why Help?

In the end, when things not going right, you will be the one to be blame! How can they be rational and FAIR more that they are the one who’s asking for help. I can just say NO, i won’t help you and you do it urself!.Teach me what should i do when it’s not my option to say no..

Same, both are the same. Always blame people with irrational reasons and with bad attittute. Im mad! Of course for sure,. Im only an ordinary human being. Eventhough God say love your enemies, i try to do so. But actually who hurt me the deepest is the one you thought is your family..Don’t know. Of course there will not always be happy times and i do notice that mine don’t really have much.. really not much and i much much prefer to stay away. Far far away that i feel relief that i dun have to be much a hypocrite person which i don’t want to be. The lesson just teach me, not to be TOO kind to anyone, any..really, in the end, you will be the one who hurt most..im too naive, stupid.

em, many ppl start to pack up their bag and went to airport or bus station, early escaping back to their hometown..(skip class actually),haha..Yup, the same old scenario that we can see every year when it comes to CNY, one of the biggest event for the Chinese (should be including me). However, i always prefer simple and no rushing for the celebration. Not another just socializing’s kind of house visitation. It’s too bored and afterall, they just can visit one house in one day, and finish up all the drinks in the fridge (i mean the beer and wines of course). In the end, the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd day will end up in such a way that is hazardous to their health, especially guys i guess. Whatever, if they choose it to be it that way, no one can change the mind. Me, on the other way, may just prefer going out for family’s activities such as picnics, karaoke, or just go to the beach 1 day trip. Enough and feel likes not a waste of the holiday. By the way, new year should be the time for making wishes again. What’s the new wish again? haha..just to childish sometime will make myself happier.

Lost direction..When the leader is gone, or should say the leading attitude in hearts attending the funeral,going away. Maybe slowly or zoom away, didn’t realize when and where it happens. Just losing the heart of going down myself, lack of confidence maybe, or just taking nap for too long until dinner time, yet still lazy to wake up, feels like better just sleep 24 hours, don’t care what is happening out there, hm, i just feel sleepy so do not bother me for anything..just wanna be like that, yes..but then i started to hate myself, where is the original one, going to the fullest, using brain to the mightiest, and always proud of my own work. Will it come back? where is my parables i need ot guide me back to the barn? Left already as giving me up also?

我以唯我并不差 能学会虚假 - 流浪记

Pure, not innocence, no more..

Afraid, yes at first, but the facts and real world will force people to learn new things, and not only those the good things..anything, to let you survive, to let be complicated person, to make up the end of the day, to break the code of liar in people’s word, and maybe learn to PRETEND to be a good samarithans, good citizen, good human..

too bad, or not enough experience, not enough training yet to be able to pretend? I have to work harder? ,no time for asking why, or shouldn’t even try to ask God why, as there will be another plan for the world, I believe and hope so. Will i be able to witness the end of the day where those who believe in Him will get the everlasting life in His Kingdom and those evil one be punished to the dungeon of Hell? I’m too much looking forward for the day to come..

The Rembrandts - I’ll be there for you

when listen to this song and seen the lyrics where there’s a phrase that caught my attention.

“I’ll be there for you,  like I’ve been there before, I’ll be there for you, ’cause you’re there for me too.,”

Is it everything that we gave out we hope there will be a return in the end? even with friends, when the rain starts to pour, I’ll be there for you..Is it the next time, if the rains start to pour and you’re not along with me, then I have to be upset about that? Maybe human is like that, even with friends, with family..like im using you and you’re using me,,a win- win situation?..Or maybe the world lead to the unfaithful or impurity of hearts in any situation, trying to maintain own benefits? Be there for me, or be there for you,.Is it really that important?

When come to face different type of people, maybe i will hesistate and doubt, even start to think whether this person do really mean what she say, or just be another social people?..Maybe eventhough i’m not that old, but always mistaken as a working person, and ya,,maybe the thinking is just too over the age that im suppose to be..Be naughty, enjoying the university life, hanging aroung with friends do silly and crazy things, joking and never takes thing seriously.. Yup, i hope i can be that kind of people that, no need to worry anything, easy going, and always think positively. Even when i come across the book of Matthew where God say, do what you need to do today as there will be another things that i need to worry for tomorrow. However, i tried and yet have to admit that things seem easy to type, easy to say, but eventually never works on me..Worry to much? No confidence in others? Em, now i learn to let go, do not give too much pressure to others or else people be afraid of me, no one ever work along with me..that’s fine, i suppose, and i do believe i will play a pretty good role in a group work, and not being labelled as a serious (actually scary, i think) person that is hard to get along..Wow, maybe i’m just too understand what kind of person i am.

Ok, when it’s come along, there will be a solid wall between but i try to make it more and more transparent, so others might see what’s actually inside, but i’m still safe. Good job, haha..silly me.

5th Jan 2009

cloudy day..bit rain when i gt back. While waiting for bus, n hearing a love songs, of nineties. Weird feeling as being a person out of this complicated relationship, shouldn’t have or feel touched or sympathy for myself. It’s like crying when saw a kid drop his ice cream on the floor..pity.

Bit out of mind when wan to just stay on the spot and let the rain fall on head, maybe get headache when got back, but just wan the rain pour on the head, maybe the vision is not clear,.maybe should rub the eyes, maybe and too many maybe which is not achieved because i didn;t decide to step out into the rain. Just the first move which is hard to make always stop all the maybes. It’s good or bad, hot or cold, yes or no, in or our, up or down, and etc (for all that is uncertain), become a sudoku, solve it critically and creatively, and make people have more interest to look further. Should that be the easiest way to attract people attention, not being another silly, but the one who get to make his life better and meaningful, right Clinton?

Disappointed? Ya, a bit..nope, being frank, should be a LOT..and giving me the second chance to prove that this is not the best that i can do. There should be better and better, stronger and tougher, not a hiding tortoise under the shell, but a fierce lion with scars all over. Yup, girls are not weak, and certainly are not losers. Prove the very first that your 2009 will not be the same, with new cover and new content..no longer a boring one, but will be a copy to remember when the colour fades with time. Good luck newbie..